sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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