The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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