Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
