my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
