so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
