I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
