remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
