Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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