wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
