community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
