How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
