I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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