Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
