I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I still have a little drunk in my system
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
