dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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