so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
