If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
please come you make the beer taste better
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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