i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
