you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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