if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
