that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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