Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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