I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
