I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
