I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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