I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
