Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
