suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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