Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
