Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
