I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
false alarm, still single
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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