I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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