I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's get the cat blown out
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
