i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
