You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pants are for mortals
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
