Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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