chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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