don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
