I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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