Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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