my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
