Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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