your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the condom got lost in my hair
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
