Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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