I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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