I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize