I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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