Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize