Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
