You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
