I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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