i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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