So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
