mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm like, not good at living.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
