yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
