....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
