I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize